The Shame Triangle is an often-unseen inner pattern made up of three roles: an Inner Critic that judges and attacks, a Shame Part that takes in the hurt, and an Inner Escaper that tries to protect us from pain. That escape can look like overfunctioning, perfectionism, and overachieving on one side, or dissociating, zoning out, using substances, or lashing out on the other. Together, these parts can lock us into survival mode, leaving us disconnected from other people, from our deeper truth, and from access to the Self.
Drawing from Internal Family Systems (IFS), narrative therapy, and the power of Parts Work, this workshop offers a pathway into Self-energy — the calm, clear inner presence that can witness and shift our internal dynamics. Participants will look at how the Shame Triangle develops, how it operates within us, and how it is influenced by broader social, cultural, and intergenerational forces.
As this pattern begins to soften, it can open into what is known as the Inner Love Triangle. In this transformation, the Inner Critic becomes an Inner Coach, Shame opens into Raw Experience, and the Escaper grows into an Inner Nurturer. What once felt like conflict can become a source of support, honesty, and clarity, with each part taking on a more life-giving role.
The workshop includes:
Participants will gain a clear framework for understanding how shame functions internally, where it comes from both personally and collectively, and how to work with this structure in ways that support lasting change and self-leadership.
Familiarity with Internal Family Systems, Parts Work, or somatic practices may be helpful, but it is not required. People at all levels of experience can find meaningful access points into the work. Those who are currently in crisis, in early trauma recovery, or without adequate support are encouraged to reflect carefully on whether this is the right time to participate.
Recommended reading: Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love Using Parts Work by Jessica Fern & David Cooley
Lead photo:
Jessica Fern is an integrative therapist, teacher, and internationally recognized author of Polysecure, Polywise, and Transforming the Shame Triangle. With 25 years of experience, she blends IFS, somatic, narrative, and shamanic approaches to support people in moving from trauma toward self-leadership and transformation.
David Cooley is a professional restorative justice facilitator and the creator of the Restorative Relationship Conversations model, a process designed to turn interpersonal conflict into deeper connection, intimacy, and repair.
Workshop Schedule
Monday
5:00 pm – 5:45 pm *How to Drop into Esalen*
7:15 pm – 9:30 pm
Tuesday
9:30 am – 12:30 pm
4:00 pm – 6:15 pm
Wednesday
9:30 am – 12:30 pm
4:00 pm – 6:00 pm
Thursday
9:30 am – 12:30 pm
4:00 pm – 6:15 pm
Friday
9:30 am – 12:00 pm
Designed for shared stays, this room type accommodates four to six guests in a welcoming, gender-inclusive setting, with a maximum stay of seven consecutive days. It’s a practical choice for retreat participants who value comfort, simplicity, and a sense of community during their time away.
Each bunk room includes twin-size bunk beds and a private bathroom with a shower, offering the privacy and convenience guests need throughout their stay. Fresh towels, bath soap, and bed linens are provided, so you can settle in with ease and focus on your experience rather than the details.
With its straightforward layout and thoughtfully provided essentials, this accommodation supports a restful and uncomplicated stay, making it well suited for those looking to share space while still enjoying comfort and functionality.
Ideal for guests who want a more social stay without the atmosphere of a dorm, this cozy shared room offers a comfortable and practical setup for up to three people of the same gender. The space is arranged with three beds: two on the main floor and one tucked into a sleeping loft, creating a simple, welcoming environment that still feels private and restful.
Each room includes an in-room bathroom with a shower, making daily routines easy and convenient. To help you settle in with ease, towels, bath soap, and bed linens are all provided. Whether you are traveling for a retreat, a wellness stay, or a peaceful getaway with others, this room offers a warm balance of connection, comfort, and simplicity.
Designed for guests seeking a little extra privacy, this inviting room offers a peaceful place to unwind within the charming, Big Sur-inspired motel atmosphere of the property. Thoughtfully located for convenience, it overlooks the main campus and garden, giving you a calming view to return to throughout your stay.
Inside, you’ll find a private bathroom and a comfortable setting that supports rest, simplicity, and easy access to the wider retreat experience. It’s an ideal choice for solo travelers or couples looking for a quiet, well-situated space to recharge between wellness activities, meals, and moments of relaxation.
If you’d like to share the room, one additional guest may join for an extra $250 per night.
Settle into a relaxed stay surrounded by the charming motel-inspired atmosphere of Big Sur. This Standard Two Double Beds room offers a comfortable, unfussy space designed for easy rest and shared travel. With two double beds and a private bathroom, it is a practical choice for friends, couples, or family members looking to enjoy time together while still having room to unwind.
The room’s simple, welcoming feel makes it easy to slow down after a day of exploring, reconnecting, or simply enjoying a peaceful break. Whether you are traveling for a quiet getaway or a shared adventure, this space provides the comfort and privacy you need for a restful stay.
Jessica Fern is an integrative therapist, teacher, and internationally recognized author of Polysecure, Polywise, and Transforming the Shame Triangle. With 25 years of experience, she brings a deeply informed and compassionate approach to her work, combining Internal Family Systems (IFS), somatic practices, narrative work, and shamanic methods. Her teaching supports people in moving through trauma with greater awareness, resilience, and...
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Professional restorative justice facilitator David Cooley is known for developing the Restorative Relationship Conversations model, a guided process designed to turn interpersonal conflict into opportunities for deeper connection, intimacy, and repair. His approach supports participants in moving beyond tension and misunderstanding, creating space for honest dialogue, mutual recognition, and meaningful healing. Through his work, David offers a thoughtful framework for those...
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Mon, Oct 12 – Fri, Oct 16